They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
