I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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