we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
