Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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