the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
