My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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