I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
