My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Soap is not a condiment
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
