It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you win again, gameday.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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