You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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