Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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