Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
