Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
