I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
