i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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