I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
