jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
