Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
