Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
