return my video game
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
