I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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