I bet he comes in French.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
