She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
