I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
