My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
