Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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