I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish you could order shots online.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
