Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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