my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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