my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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