after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
