they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
