i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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