Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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