His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
