he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
