True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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