He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she told me i tasted like america
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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