there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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