it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
