Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
