he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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