i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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