When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
