This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
