He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
