Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
