Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
