Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Come share oat with me in your robe
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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