I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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